A Very Jolly 'Murican Christmas(awesome trio)
by ObeytheCupcake
Summary: After sexually assaulting a Jehovahs Witness, Alfred fleas the country in hopes he can escape the charges. He ends up in Finland where he learns Santa's workshop isn't just a workshop.


The month had been cold and the nights had been long. But to Alfred, that meant that Santa Clause would soon visit his humble home where they would exchange items. These items included milk and some kind of cookies and Santa Clause would trade that for whatever Alfred wanted for Christmas.

Santa Clause was terrible at haggling. Alfred would often times, if not always, want something that was way more valuable than milk and some cookies. Feeling guilty, Alfred would try to leave out some type of expensive cookies in an attempt to even the trade a bit more.

This year, instead of buying Chips Ahoy! Cookies, he would purchase Pepperidge farms chocolate chip cookies since they were more expensive. The company behind Oreo's claimed that their cookies were Santa's favorites, but they're fucking liars, Alfred thought, remembering the year when Santa left him a note saying 'Punk ass nigga, leave some better motherfucking cookies, son, or it'll be your ass hanging in front of these reindeer's faces.'

Alfred will always remain confused by the last part. Santa had made himself clear that he didn't like Oreo cookies. The context clues are when he called him 'A punk ass nigga' and when he said 'get better motherfucking cookies'. But was Santa implying that his reindeer need something dangling in front of their faces in order to fly? Does Santa not do anything to bad children, but in fact kills them and dangles their bottoms in front of his reindeers?

Christmas certainly is magical, isn't it?

But all was well in the Jones household; soon his two friends will be coming over to enjoy the holidays with him. But this year, they wouldn't be celebrating as 'just friends' but as lovers. Gay lovers. Multiple gay lovers. A polyamory of gays.

Alfred almost wanted to send Santa a letter, wanting to get his opinion on gay marriage. But it seems that Santa doesn't discriminate unless you're Jewish or poor. But if Santa's opinion was in fact positive, many male politicians may find a butt plug in their stockings this year.

But Alfred, Mathis and Gilbert will be spending the rest of the week together in till Christmas came around Thursday.

As his thoughts of the times he'd have this week spun through his head, he heard the phone ring. His movements froze; his heartbeat skipped a beat. He knew who was on the other end of the line.

With his eyes bugged, he looked at his phone, a deep breath pushing through his nostrils while he slammed his phone onto the plastic and brought it to his ear. He pressed the 'call' button.

He was afraid; very afraid.

"I don't know what you want, but I will find you and I will make you celebrate Christmas with me." He said through his teeth. Depending on the individual, that may be a splendid encounter or very horrifying considering of what his holiday will consist of this year.

"Hello, have you heard of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

And with wildness in his blue eyes, he hit the 'end' button quickly, slamming the phone back to the table.

The constant harassment of the Jehovah's Wittiness's this year was astonishing. These people were surely determined to tell the world about Jesus and Jesus-y things alike.

All December they have been coming to Alfred with the same question; Have you heard of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they would ask. Alfred never understood why they had to ask 'Have you heard'. He thought if you haven't heard of Jesus then you either don't get out often, don't turn the TV or radio on enough or you live on a remote island and have no accessibility to this things.

Like, who the fuck hasn't heard of Jesus? Jesus will forever and always be a thing. You pretty much have no excuse as to not knowing who this man Jesus is.

But then, there was a knock on the door. He then became afraid once again; fearful as to if the question would be asked once again.

But then he saw a head of white hair so he was all like 'Oh kewl, it's Gilbert', walked to the door and let the German man inside his house.

"What's up?" Gilbert asked as soon as Alfred opened the door and allowed him in. He started to take off his jacket, placing it on the coat rack by the door.

"Nothing much really." He said, walking to the couch, sitting down on the fabric. Gilbert followed him, sitting next to him. Alfred looked over at him. "So where's Mathis?"

"I don't know." He replied, slipping his shoes off and tossing them over by the door. "I think he's almost here. Last time I talked to him he was building a Lego tower. He sent me a picture. He said he sent you one too."

"Oh, he did. I texted back ' LOL looks like the Gay Pride Washington Monument' and he replied back 'I worked hard on it…' That wasn't an insult, honestly." Alfred said, leaning back on the couch, watching the television.

Gilbert laughed, nodding his head while he rested his head on the back of the couch. But then he thought of something. "Hey, since we're all holiday boyfriends, how is kissing going to work? Like, is it going to be a three-way kiss or something?" He looked over at Alfred; seeing his face twisted in a deep ponder.

"… That's a good question. How about we cross the bridge when we get there." He looked back at Gilbert who nodded his head. Alfred scooted closer to him, resting his hand on his thigh. "Why don't we start without him; he can jump in and I've never seen an uncircumcised dick and I'm interested." He suggested, making Gilbert chuckle while he cupped Alfred's face, pulling him closer to him while he planted a kiss on his lips, softly.

Alfred began pecking Gilbert's lips, pulling him over so Gilbert now straddled Alfred, his fingers in his blonde hair while their kisses intensified with each little touch. Alfred's pale hands trailed under Gilbert's shirt, rubbing his sides and inching down to his pants, feeling he was beginning to get erect.

Alfred thought this was perfect; he'd finally see an uncircumcised penis. It had been drawn to his attention that many European and Asian countries don't circumcise their children or really at all. This spiked his curiously as quickly as a teenager would spike the kool-aid at a party.

But before he could slip his hand down to Gilbert's boxers, there was a knock on the door. "GOD!" Alfred said, pushing Gilbert off his lap as he stood up, his erect member shown through his jeans. "What's a man got to do to see an uncircumcised baloney pony around here?" He went to the door and opened it, seeing it was Mathis.

"Hey!" He said, looking down, seeing Alfred member being hard. He gasped. "Why can't you ever wait for me!?" Mathis asked, walking in the house while kicking his shoes off. "Can't we ever do anything together, you guys? I feel left out." He whined, sitting on the couch with Gilbert, rubbing his spikey blonde hair.

Alfred put his hands on his lips, sighing a bit. "I'm sorry, Mathis." He said, repositioning his glasses. "Now, we're kind of into something. You can join in or you can sit there and watch if that gets you off or you can join in. It's up to you." He offered, but Mathis looked over at Gilbert.

"What are we going to do?" He asked, but Gilbert shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know. I mean Alfred and me just made out for a bit. He's got a boner. We should tag team him and suck his dick."

"Yeah! How about you two do that?" Alfred added, excitedly.

They both looked at each other, nodding their heads while they scouted over, allowing space for Alfred to sit on the couch while the two got on their knees, leaning on the ends of the couch. Gilbert began to unbutton Alfred's pants, pulling them down to his knees while Mathis began to play with Alfred's member behind his boxers; feeling it becoming harder in his hand.

With a few hard pumps, Alfred groaned. "Mathis," Gilbert chuckled a bit, pushing his hand away so he could take the hem of his boxers, pulling them down and exposing his full erect member. "You can't tease him like that." Gilbert finished, spitting on his fingertips, rubbing the spit on the tip.

Alfred gasped, feeling the warm spit over his tip; his fingers slick while they moved along the skin.

"Gilbert, you're one to talk about teasing." Mathis laughed, pushing his fingers away from the American's member. He scooted over closer to Alfred's legs and wrapped his soft lips around the tip, closing his eyes while he let his hand hold the base, making Gilbert watch.

Alfred groaned, shutting his eyes tightly while he pushed his head against the back of the couch.

Gilbert laughed. "Yeah, leave it to you to be sucking dick." He teased.

Mathis opened his eyes, looking over at Gilbert, opening his mouth from the tip. "What was that?" He kissed the tip.

"Nothing." He chuckled.

"That's what I thought."

Gilbert sat, watching as Mathis was only licking and sucking the tip. Obviously, there's a lot more than just that. So Gilbert took his hand, rested it on the back of Mathis's head and pushed it down, causing his eyes to bug open while Alfred moaned.

Mathis pulled off, coughing. "What the hell!?"

"Oh, you don't deep-throat?" Gilbert asked, pushing Mathis over a bit. "I can, watch." He seemed to brag, closing his eyes while he pushed Alfred's member down his throat, feeling him tense up. He then began to bob his head, hearing Alfred moaning louder with each movement.

"F-f-fuck… Gil, I'm going to cum…" He said while Gilbert pulled off of it.

And with that, Mathis and Gilbert sat with their mouths opened widely while Alfred pumped himself, waiting to release his seed all over to other two. And as he was nearing the finishing, he heard another knock at the door.

While he came, he muttered "FOR FUCK'S SAKE." In a mix of a sexual way and in an angered way while he came, but most of it fell into his hand. He looked down at his hand in a disgusted way. "Ew… It's ON ME!" But he pulled up his pants and walked to the door.

He was starting to get frustrated; all he wanted was to see an uncircumcised penis. That's all. Well, that and a new iPad. Last one he had gotten had a large scratch along the front due to Bill Clinton and Gorge Bush doing a line of cocaine on the screen. They were separating the lines with a razor blade rather than a credit card like a bunch of chums.

But he swung open the door but felt weak in the knees. Not because he had just came like a rocket, but because his fears were confirmed.

'Hi! Have you heard of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?" The man asked, handing Alfred a sheet of paper. Alfred's one eye twitched, causing the man to become concerned. "You okay, sir? I take that eye twitch as a sign that you need some Jesus in your life."

"No! I do NOT need Jesus in my life right now. Two men just sucked my cock." Alfred informed, taking his hand that still had the semen on it, putting up two fingers. "TWO. And of course I've heard about Jesus! Who the fuck hasn't?" Alfred went on, putting his hand down. "I feel like I'm being singled out with all the Jehovah Witnesses that keep coming to me. Are you spying on me? Do you know what I'm up to or something?" He continued while he lifted his hand that had his semen on it. He then rubbed the semen on the man's forehead, causing him to scream.

"OH LAWD." He cried, taking his handkerchief and wiped it off his pale skin. "HELP! HELP! I was just sexually assaulted by this man!"

Alfred's face lost its color. "WUT!?" He shouted back. "HELP! THIS MAN WAS HARASSING ME!" He cried, pointing down at him.

"You never told me to stop, there for it isn't harassment, you ass wipe!"

Alfred then looked down at him, his face calm while he said "Stop." And after that, his actions became frantic and panicked. "HELP! HE'S HARASSING ME!"

"Very funny." The man said, walking of the steps. "I'm calling the police! I'm pressing charges!"

And with that, he was gone.

Alfred turned around, looking at his friends, they all having the same facial expression. "Oh my god!" the American cried, running to his friends while he began to cry.

"We really should leave!" Mathis suggested, grabbing his shoes, pulling them on. "Alfred, me and Gilbert will help you get away from this guy! Come on, we'll leave the country. You can come to Denmark!"

"No!" Alfred shouted, crossing his arms, sitting on the floor while he pouted. "Too many small."

"Then why not Mexico?" Gilbert suggested, but Alfred shook his head.

"No! Too many drug cartels; they're rivals." He informed, reveling that he had a drug cartel. "I want to go where I'll be closer to Santa!"

Mathis and Gilbert looked at each other, confused. "And where is that?" Gilbert asked, putting his shoes on as well.

"I don't know." Alfred admitted, standing back up and put his shoes on. "It's either Canada or Finland. I say we go with Finland because Canada has Eskimos."

"What's wrong with Eskimos?" Mathis asked.

"THEY DON'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS."

And with that, they went to the airport to catch a flight to Finland.

X

Once their plane landed in Finland, they searched the streets for a hotel that was priced at a reasonable price so they could continue their sexual adventures and allow Alfred to be able to see an uncut penis for the first time.

Much to their dismay, they couldn't find a cheap hotel, so for the night they would retire in the space of an 'abandoned' building that held many homeless men and women of different nationalities under the roof. It wasn't too cramped, but it wasn't spacious either so it was somewhat of a nice place to relax.

The only problem was that there wasn't an Xbox, Gilbert thought, so he was bored for the night. However, Mathis was not; for he brought a box of Legos.

"Mathis." Gilbert called out, crawling closer to him on the blanket they kept on the floor to separate them from the cold ground. "Can we build something together or something?"

"I dunno, can you?"

Sighing deeply, he rolled his eyes. "May I have some fucking Legos?"

Squinting his eyes toward the Albino, he nodded his head. "Yes you fucking may." He said, passing him some of the colorful blocks. He passed him a Lego figure, it being a woman with breast.

Gilbert held it, looking at it with his observant red eyes. "Lego chicks come with tittys?"

Mathis laughed. "When they're mine they do."

"Her tits are the shape of a Rubix cube." He said, looking over the homeless people to see Alfred across the room. He knew he couldn't hear him if he spoke normally, so he decided to shout "Alfred, this Lego chick got Rubix Cube titties! Come over here and look at it!" But he didn't respond.

"What's the matter with him?" Mathis asked, rubbing the chest of the Lego woman.

"I don't know, I think something's bother him." He said, making Mathis nod his head.

_Dear Diary,_

_It's killing me at this point. I need to see an uncircumcised dick or I'ma lose my shit right here in front of these classy homeless people. I've seen things. I saw a baby breast feeding IN PUBLIC that's like, bad and stuff. I don't wanna see titties. I wanna see dickies. But it's come to my attention that if you breastfeed a baby through your penis that that is actually really bad and why did it take me this long to realize that oh god._

_Anyways, yes, I need to see me a nice dick. I'm sure Gilbert's and Mathis's will do. But not here; not in front of anyone. I'm sure if I asked Sarah Palin to see hers she would, but I don't know if she's gone all the way with that sex change operation. When they do that do they give you a dick with foreskin or without? I'd have to ask someone's who's had finished their sex change… Who has?... Justin Bieber. That's who I'll ask._

_But I'm seriously hating on Arthur for getting me circumcised. Did you know it wasn't when I was a baby? NOOO. I was ten years old or whatever and I REMEMBER EVERYTIHNG. It was HORRIFYING. I'm so sorry for the babies that are forced into getting their peepees cut off like I did. I miss my skin. I miss it. _

Alfred began to tear up, but he held it back. He had to be strong for the homeless man that was sleeping beside him. He looked like he had just over dosed on something. His blue eyes looked to the man's side, seeing an empty bottle of generic cough syrup. That must be it; cough syrup.

But he concluded that was a good way to finish his letter, so he decided to draw some things on the paper. I bet you're guessing it was uncut penises because if you are you are correct; it has become an obsession.

It was hard realizing that in many countries, the sign of a circumcised penis was considered unmanly. That hurt Alfred, it hurt him real deep. He couldn't help he was cut against his will. Well, honestly it wasn't exactly against his will; he saw Arthur had some scissors and knives. When Alfred asked what he was up to Arthur said "Something the Jewish people showed me." And Alfred replied "Wut is it, engwand?" and he said "uh… stuff."

But Alfred was curious, and said "Is it dirty stuff?" And he said "Depends on the person I guess'. The young little boy went "Is it for adults?" "Yes, it's for adults." Arthur replied. And then, Alfred grew before his green eyes into A MAN. Alfred began flexing, and his shirt ripped right off his skin. The fabric fell into Arthur's face, but he quickly ripped it off his face to get a nice look at the fine piece of ass that manifested right there.

Alfred was now taller than Arthur, his hair was perfect and he was just perfect all around. "W-Wow…" Arthur said, taking his hand off the shirt. "M-Manifest Destiny sure was good to you." He complimented. But Alfred continued to flex his newly formed muscles and smirked, saying "I'll manifest YOUR destiny, baby." Arthur didn't know what to say. "Anyway, I am now the PUSSY DESTROYER and will refer to people as their correct titles. What's up, dirty little cunt?"

Arthur's brow hung over his eyes while he thought of some way to punish the 'adult' country. "Since you're getting so many women to frolic along your genitals, I'd imagine that you would want it to look better for the beautiful ladies. I can help you with that." He insured, and Alfred went "Oh gee! Thanks, dirty little cunt!"

Alfred shivered, remembering that day like it happened just 240 years ago.

Now his penis was considered naked and unmanly. But right now it would fit the title naked and afraid since he would go back home and be charged with sexual assault for rubbing his seed on another man's forehead. What was the harm in that? It's good for people's skin; the man should be thanking him.

And while his thoughts began to twirl in his skull like a mad symphony, a bell rang throughout the empty warehouse and the homeless men and women (except for the one who ODed on cough syrup) jumped up, running up a flight of stairs.

"Where's everyone going?!" Alfred shouted, taking his paper and folded it up, placing it in his breast pocket while he placed the pen in afterwards. "IS IT FOOD TIME!?"

"NO!" Some homeless man shouted. "No food for you, fat American." He continued, running up the stairs. "Stay here. No access for you!"

Alfred was confused. "Do you mean fat with a 'ph' or a fat like fat ass or something because if it's with a 'ph' then thank you but if it's the other I will start a nuclear war with your home country DO NOT tests me." But the man didn't reply; just slammed the door shut while they heard busy footsteps from the flooring above them, then chairs being pulled out.

As the trio looked at each other in puzzlement, they heard some shout "Työ tai et saa lennon kotiin!" the familiar voice shouted. Neither of them knew what that meant since they didn't speak Finnish, assuming that was the language that was being spoken at the moment.

And then they heard the men and women reply with "Santa on ylin johtaja."

Alfred gasped, holding onto Gilbert's shoulder while his eyes went wide. "THEY SAID SANTA!"

"So?" Mathis said, looking up at the ceiling. "If I'm not mistaken, that sounded a lot like Tino." He added, scratching his head. "I would've called him for us to stay at his place, but he's always really busy on the 24." He went on, looking down at the other two.

Gilbert laughed. "What if he's Santa Clause?" He suggested, making Mathis laugh as well.

"Guys, stop laughing! What if he is?!" Alfred let go of Gilbert's shoulder and went over to the stairs that the homeless men and women went on to get upstairs. "Wait… Does Tino like Oreos?" Alfred asked Mathis.

"Oh, no. He hates them." Mathis replied.

Alfred grabbed his heart, his eyes going lazy while he stumbled over the wooden steps and grabbed onto the railing. Gilbert and Mathis ran over to him, trying to help him get to his feet, but he rested on the steps, his eyes still lazy while he muttered in a weak breath "Oh sweet baby Jesus."

"Maybe we should go upstairs. See what it's about." Gilbert suggested, kicking the steps slightly, watching as a piece of wood fell off.

And after some discussion, they went up the stairs and once they faced the door, they realized it was locked. Behind the door was the sound of sowing machine's and hammers; yelling in foreign tongues, and many other noses that were indescribable due to the overwhelming sound of everything else.

"Mathis, do you still use bobby pins?" Alfred asked, his hand around the metal of the doorknob.

"Yeah, how do you think I get this rad-tastic hair?"

"Gimme one, pls bby." He asked, holding his hand out.

Sighing deeply, he pulled one out of his blonde hair, passing it over to Alfred while he bent it a bit, trying to pick the lock of the door. Once he got it, he went "Ha!" But before he was able to open the door, Gilbert stopped him. "Wut!?"

"Are you sure you want to do this? That one guy did call you fat." He informed.

"He meant it with a 'ph." Alfred insured, looking back toward the door. "They all do."

"No they don't." Mathis added, making Alfred look back over toward him with daggers. Mathis began to chuckle.

"You havin' a giggle, mate? I'll rek you."

"What are you talking about?" Gilbert asked, budging him so he'd open the door.

"You wot, mate?" Alfred continued, causing Gilbert to groan. "That's what I thought, lil' coont. 3edgy5u, bitch." And then, he opened the door, revealing what they somewhat expected.

SANTA'S WORKSHOP.

Expect the people looked really upset, like something was upsetting them. As they looked around, they saw that the some people had pictures of children at their work station, some were crying as they continued their work and there was Santa in his suit with a whip, whipping one of the men for some reason.

Alfred had come to the conclusion that this either was a fetish porn studio or a sweatshop. He's relying more on the first one because Christmas was supposed to be magically and full of happiness and sometimes mall Santa's that would sit the kids too close to his mistletoe. Not filled with sweatshop workers. There's a reason why it's called Santa's WORKSHOP and not Santa's SWEATSHOP.

"Guys… What the fuck…" Mathis whispered, watching as the man thought to be Santa continued to whip the man, asking him if he was happy with what he had done.

"How dare you sow the eye a centimeter off!" He shouted , making the whip crack against his skin. "Now go fix it, or your flight back home is canceled, I swear to CHRIST." He turned around, watching as the man scurried back to his station to continue working.

Gilbert, Mathis and Alfred were both surprised; Santa Clause WAS Tino. It all made sense; he not liking Oreos, he always asking people at the World Meetings what they wanted for Christmas, his love for the snow and Christmas time, he being busy on the 24th of December, it was adding up.

Tino looked at the trio, shocked. His eyes instantly softened and his soft smile falling back to his lips. His suit was on, and he walked over to the three, whip still in hand while he said "O-Oh… Hey, guys. What are you doing here?"

The three were too shocked to answer.

"Okay, look, I know this is… shocking. But I'll make it up to you guys if you don't tell anyone about his!" He said, throwing the whip behind him, it hitting a woman in the head at a sowing machine. She cried, but he turned around, his voice deepening as he said "Get the fuck over it!"

"Oh my god…. This IS Santa's sweatshop!" Alfred shouted, grabbing at his blonde hair. "Sweatshops are BAD what is wrong with you Tino!? Oh my god!" But his attention was then separated from him, seeing that the man who had called his overweight was sitting at one of the stations, hammering a toy of some sort.

Alfred walked over to him, hands on hips while he looked down at him. "Hey, punk ass." He said, causing the man's attention to be replaced by him. "Did you call me fat with a 'ph' or what?"

"What you talk about!?" He replied, still hammering the toy. "You fat! You eat too much!"

Alfred squinted his eyes at the man, leaning his elbow on the table. "…I see… So, where you from?" He asked, his tone changing.

"China." He replied.

"Perfect." He snickered, thinking Yao will never see it coming. But then, Alfred took his hammer from the man, going "Stop, HAMMER TIME." Before flinging the hammer across the room, watching the old Asian man run after it. "Punk as bitch."

And once he walked back with the others, Tino continued "Anyways, yeah, so tell me what you want and this NEVER leaves us, got it?"

They all nodded their heads and went on with what they wanted. Gilbert asked for immortality (which is good for him since he can die and all) while Mathis asked for a new danish recipe.

And then, that left Alfred thinking. Some suggestions were 'erase your debt!', another one was 'endless oil!' and one of his favorites 'A way to shed those pounds.'

But, he asked if he could get three, like a genie would give you three wishes. Tino sighed, agreeing to whatever it was.

"One, I want to see an uncircumcised dick." He said, naming one of his gifts he wanted. Tino sighed, taking his red fur coat off and flashed him. Gilbert's cheeks flushed, Mathis's hair stood tall while Alfred looked at it, observantly; pleased as well. "Niiiceee… Hey there, little guy."

"Continue." Tino insisted, covering himself once again. "Also, don't tell Su-san I did that! He would be mean to me!"

"I want my sexual assault charges dropped."

"Okay, one more thing."

And then, Alfred stood there, pondering deeply as to what the last one should be. What did he want most of all in the world? What did all his friends seem to have and he didn't have? Oh, yeah, that…

X

He stood in front of his mirror proudly, watching as his look manly than ever. He then reached over to the phone, calling Yao to tell him important news.

"Hello?" He answered, he sounding tired. "American! What do you want? It's early on Christmas morning!"

Alfred flexed his muscles, watching as his member didn't do anything, but he felt like it did do something. "Huh? Oh yeah, I know I just wanted to call and tell you IT'S FUCKING ON we're having a nuclear war. Okay? Okay."

"Wait!? What? Why?"

"Because my dick has a foreskin!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!


End file.
